i have always thought the future will be better. it turns out it wont. and i dont know when i stopped believing that or if i ever really believed it at all, mb i just needed something to hold onto so i kept saying it. kept telling myself that things would click eventually, that id wake up one day and it would all make sense. the job the ppl, the version of myself i kept promising id become. but lately i sit with that thought and it just feels hollow. like a word you say too many times until it loses meaning. better better better what does that even mean? i think i spent so much time waiting for the future that i forgot to actually live in whatever this is. and now the future is kind of here and its just. sunday. its just another monday where i have to answer emails and pretend i know what im doing and smile when people ask how im doing. its not that everything is bad. it’s more like everything is just there existing. And i thought id feel more by now. i thought 22 or 23 or whatever age i am would feel like something. like click and arrive and like finally seeing a sunny day from years of suffering. but it just feels like continuation like it never ends, maybe the future was never meant to be better. maybe it was just meant to be different and we convinced ourselves different meant better because that was easier to wake up for. idk. i really dont. but i think thats okay i think not knowing is the most honest thing ive felt in a while.